A Child's Academic Success Depends Upon a Parent's Willingness to Let Them Fail!

A Child's Academic Success Depends Upon a Parent's Willingness to Let Them Fail!

It has been my experience that a child's ability to succeed in the classroom is somehow directly correlated to their comfort or how safe they feel with (what we commonly refer to as) failure. And in my experience I have learned [that] one key element in teaching your child HOW to succeed (yes, I said how to succeed) is first allowing them the freedom to feel comfortable with failure.

First, let's define the word failure. Merriam-Webster defines the word failure (noun) as the 'lack of success.' Having taught leadership courses in the past, I am very adamant about first, understanding that success cannot be attained without a certain degree (or mass quantities) of short-comings, setbacks, delays, hindrances, downfalls, etc., etc., etc. Secondly, success is an illusion. What one person considers a success, another might consider a failure. So, you ask, what's the point? The point is, unless you have a clear vision of what success means within your household, how can you then limit a child or hold a child accountable for failing? You have to ask yourself, what is the true measure of academic success for me?
Is it...

• Learning?
• Grades/Grape Point Average?

...because there is a difference between these two objectives/goals. I can hardly elaborate on the second point, as it is of little significance to me. Being a professional tutor and parent (not to mention a person who simply sees life for what it is--just life) I put little weight on grades. To me, the most important aspect of school is learning. 

I shall elaborate, as this is the example I share with many parents, as it relates to their child's success (or failures?) in the classroom.

Many of us might not recall the first time we rode a bike. But, as parents we may have a strong recollection of the day our child first rode (or attempted to ride) a bike. Unless your child was blessed by the gods, so to speak, and born to ride bikes for a living, many of them would have fallen, not once, but multiple times, even with you standing, walking, or running behind them, the first time they attempted to ride. Many of our children cried when they fell the first time. Many of our children were too scared to get back up, but miraculously, they did. Did they do it because they found the will within themselves to keep going? Or, did they do it because they learned the will to succeed within our firm support and committed diligence, all in the name of faith and love in our children? I believe they learned to ride because we didn't measure their falls as failures, but instead, as necessary steps towards achieving the monument of success--and in this particular instance--it was riding their bike!

Now, let's take that same example and apply it to schoolwork or homework. A child tries, attends class, does as their peers do, and sometimes they just 'can't get it.' It has been my experience that instead of running beside them, encouraging them, and pushing them onward, even reminding them of the many times we have fallen before in our own lives, parents seem to get upset. If a child feels discouraged, they can't learn. It takes two things to learn in this world--the right attitude and an attempt.

I speak from example when I say it is hard--very hard--to separate our emotions when attempting to 'help our kids' with homework. I am a professional tutor and yes, I still get help for my children. Why? Because we can't believe they need help. Or, we assume, if we did it, they, somehow (perhaps genetically? magically?) should 'get it' too. Sometimes we get upset, not because they can't 'get it' but more so, because we cannot. It is oftentimes fear--fear of them failing, fear of them not having great opportunities later, etc.--that cause us to react, not out of love, but out of anger. This is what we must address.

My first recommendation--let go of the fear. Failure is the lack of success. Success is an illusion. Success is relative to each individual circumstance. You and your child learned how to ride a bike, ONLY AFTER having fell once or twice before. It is within the fall we appreciate the ride. School is no different. Don't be so scared to let them fail a test, a homework assignment, or a six-weeks grade for that matter, if, in the long run, it helps them truly learn.

...the serving father...

~Bobby
See my column on The Examiner.com!

Building An Environment of Learning In Your Home

As a tutor, I find myself in the trenches of educational warfare, daily. There isn't a person I meet, who, after learning that I tutor or hearing of my work with other kids, doesn't open themselves up to me and 'let me have it' with all their concerns for their child and the multitude of reasons why their child is failing, isn't learning, or doesn't care enough to try, etc., etc., etc. Being a parent myself, it breaks my heart and also fuels the fire to develop better, quicker, more insightful and more creative means to inspire children to learn. At the end of the day, the reasons why I tutor revolve around my inner desires to serve others, in conjunction with a purpose and vision for helping parents master learning at home, to establish what I call: an environment of learning. Here are a few tips, things I do when I work with parents who are in desperate need for immediate results.

1.) If its important to you, it will be important to them!

Its easy to say or fall into the trap or misconception [that] "my child's education is important to me, that's why I make them do their homework!" You have to first consider what message is being relayed here and understand that children, in their wonderful, free-spirited youth, are natural renegades, born to rebel against any system that would make them do anything. So, to avoid falling into the trap or philosophy of "do as I say, not as I do", then you will need to show them how important education is, by participating in their learning.

Does this mean you will have to miss some of your favorite shows, skip out on happy hour or cancel a few engagements during the week? Yes! But before you get upset as a parent or become uncomfortable, ask yourself this: What's really and truly important to me? This is a question of values and even though you might say you believe in your child's education, unless you are participative, you are really sending a mixed-signal. You are basically telling your child to "do it because I said so" and really, when did we ever respond to that as children? With this type of attitude, it won't take long for your child to see that you 'proclaim' to believe in their education, just not enough to actually 'do anything' about it.

2.) No Peanut Gallery!!!
When I was in the Marine Corps, you could find any table, in any barracks of any base where Domino's or Spades are being played (among countless other games) and if you listen quietly, you can hear the words "No Peanut Gallery!" being shouted from any of these tables when someone is getting upset because their concentration is being broken or if someone is interrupting the game from the 'outside.' The Peanut Gallery is essentially the external voices that cause interruption in the play of the game. Its equivalent to the back-seat driver. Annoying huh? Well, if you want your child to learn and you want to build that environment of learning in your home, you, as the parent, are going to have to quiet the Peanut Gallery in your home and turn OFF the television, put the cell phones away--yes, even yours as well, and get to work! If you can't keep focus for longer than 5 minutes without updating Facebook, replying to a text or changing the channels, how can you expect a child to do it? Lead by example and schedule some time, 1 to 1.5 hours per night, to studies, together.

3.)Work Hard, Play Hard

Just as we look forward to and count down the days 'til its Friday', so too can--and should--your child(ren). School is school and its an important requirement as much as its a nuisance in America for each of us. It takes a very short period of time to amaze us and let us down, but that's not for  you or I to fix, as much as it is our requirement to work within the educational system and move on with life for the sake of our children. One thing you want to do is establish a routine that says, we work hard, Monday through Thursday and Fridays, we take the night off! I encourage my parents (as well as utilize) the attitude and approach to learning that says, we study every night, contrary to whether your child has homework or not--there are a ton of things that can be learned every night as follow-up), Monday through Thursday and Friday is our NIGHT OFF! No books, no studying, no homework, nothing...just relax and celebrate the end to another successful week of learning.

The list can go on and on, which it will in time, but for now, these are great starter points to begin implementing in your home. Remember, attitudes of others reflects the attitude of the leaders. If education is so important to you as the parent, then start learning with your child, together, learning from them as much as you share your experiences with them. Attitude is critical to learning. The wrong attitude and the best teacher will still produce poor results. A great attitude and poor teacher will produce poor and limited results as well. A willing child and a willing parent, can learn and master anything--together. It starts with a desire to learn, is carried over in the attitude and willingness to learn and it comes to fruition with attempt.

As I tell my students: "You are never wrong if you try, even when you answer incorrectly. You are wrong for not trying."

Bobby Ozuna

Literacy. Creativity. Learning.